Chance’s Last Hand

Chance’s Last Hand.

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I Keep Crying

I Keep Crying.

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Doubts

Doubts.

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Attempted escape 1964

I spent my first school play time trying to make my escape

Climbing the green railings but failing

Flailing as a wrinkled, firm, female hand of unreason arrived

To steer me away with a kindly iron grip

An irresistible force smiling benignly and taking me further from my goal

To climb those cast iron prison bars and head for home never to return

Crying tears of despair and rage, a scared boy in a school cage

I was taken deeper into the Edwardian purgatorial cave

Tiles on the walls, grey concrete floors, green painted doors and disinfected halls

I was dragged back in time to doom and despair

I was sentenced to eleven years hard labour

But did an extra two in the sixth form for good behaviour!

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Doubts

My doubts come in regiments

The battlefield is my self belief

The spoils are my hopes and dreams

Set fresh before my own New World

 

The demon Mara sends his scouts and snipers as I unsheathe my pen

Bolts fly from hidden marksmen

Their aim unsteady as I take my first decisive step on my field of honour

As I navigate my uncertain path

My page begins to fill with tributes to the past

 

Then suddenly distant trumpets bray

Heralds of an expected foe

I press on, donning my mail and armour as I go

Cold and damp to the touch but warming to the heart

My resolve bolstered I gulp the freer air of those yet untested

 

I crest the rise and there before me I see the ordered ranks of armoured infantry

Spears rising like black winter forests, lit torches blazing ‘tween the boughs

My pen shivers in my hand, causing ripples in my poetic resolve

As I absorb the glint of shimmering light on smooth beaten metal

My words seem empty and oft heard

 

My adversary spied my heart beats faster in my armoured chest

I unfurl my banner and heft my sword for poetic weight

Do I advance or do they come to me?

They stir as my faltering words begin to flow

 

The first skirmishers move to strike

I sweep them away with curving strokes,

Absorbing several stinging blows but repulsing nonetheless the probing raid,

I step forward onto confident rise

Guttural orders are barked and growled

Butts of spears grounded in response

Bellowing cries rend the air

And armoured ranks role forward

 

My tongue dries on my pallet

My colours banging, briefly arie

But my pace quickens to meet the surging tide

 

I bolster my defences

Shield against plated shoulder

Hilt held firmer in gauntleted hand

Jarring blows meet deflective twists

Defensive strokes turn jagged blades

Stinging points probe chain mailed joints

Bruised confidence from resulting rhyme

But deeper wounds are absent, this time

 

My progress resumes, page part traversed, a meter at a time

Further armoured ranks are sent

Splintering blows repelled, mortal thrusts denied

The field behind littered with the doubting dead

Wounded, moaning and defied

 

I rest on my sword, breathless and bowed

Half formed phrases oozing through wearied mind

Reflecting upon my journey,

Wondering if my enemy was truly defied

 

Footsteps bring me to attention

Golden armour I espy

Moving swiftly with intention

Mara lets his javelin fly

 

The point is turned the poison stemmed

My sword now poised to stroke the page

Blades clash, in ozone showers

My armour strains under vented rage

We twist and turn, vantage looked for and gained

Ground given, mistakes made

Thrusts parried a victory delayed

 

But my enemy steps back and back again

The end is near, the battle’s almost done

Verses written, the New World voyage begun

My last stroke brings the demon to his knees

 

I demand his name and his surrender

Do I already have these?

On my page, in my verses?

 

He lifts his jewelled visor and reveals his twisted, smiling face

So many features I recognise

Life’s deceits, sorrow’s tears

The loneliness of this emotional cage

Crying out in pain and rage

At God and Creation and his filial chains

 

This battle is done

Mara defeated, by pen on page

But casualties taken

True verse denied life and age

The war goes on, at every creative stage.

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I Keep Crying

I keep crying because you’re not here
In my dreams I search everywhere
But I wake again with my despair

Why did you go leaving me like this?
Why did you go leaving me like this?

She’s my new best friend now you’re not here
We met when you went away
I looked for you but found her instead
She can’t be a man, ‘cause she understands
She doesn’t leave me when I cry

Why did you go leaving me like this?
Why did you go leaving me like this?

I just want the pain to go away
But without it you might be gone
Gone somewhere, where I can’t reach

Why did you go leaving me like this?
Why did you go leaving me like this?

So stay with me, in my head
Please stay with me in my head

When I sleep I feel you next to me
Next to me, wrapped in our sheets
The smell of us, it smells so sweet

Why did you go leaving me like this?
Why did you go leaving me like this?

But when I wake I’m alone again
But I find her waiting, with my pain
I can put it on, wear it like a coat
‘Cause it’s the only thing that keeps me warm

Why did you go leaving me like this?
Why did you go leaving me like this?

You’d never leave, that’s what you said
But now I’m here, alone instead
I wish that I could learn to hate
Then I’d have the strength of love again

Why did you go leaving me like this?
Why did you go leaving me like this?

Loneliness could be overcome
I’d spit it out with my angry heart
Then I could get a fresh start
To Live again, without your love
Love again and be loved.

If you stay with me
I may fall apart.

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Daughter of mine

What was the one experience that completely changed your life? What happened? How did it change your life?

The birth of my daughter changed my life. She is now the centre of my universe. All success is mediated by her smile. And, day by day, as she grows my joy and fear increase. Joy as she indulges me with a kiss, fear as I think about ensuring her future happiness. ‘You’re not worthy!’ (guitar riff). But I must be!

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January 5, 2014 · 8:34 pm